Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
