You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
