Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
