based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
