I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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