apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
