I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
