Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
