Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
