I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
