You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
