Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
