You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
