You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
