Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
