I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
