My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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