When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
