She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
