I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize