I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
