just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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