I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
