Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
