i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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