I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
