I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
