i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize