He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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