I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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