I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
