She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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