You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
