The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
