ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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