I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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