We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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