There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
