Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
