Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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