season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
