My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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