She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
