I don't usually arrange sex via text message
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
