If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
