member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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