mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Couch. On fire.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
