Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
