peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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