how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize