Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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