If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
