tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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