ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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