You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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