I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
