Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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