The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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