you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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