Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize