Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
