I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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