Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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